I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
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Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
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My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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