did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This baby is an asshole
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
