Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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