its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
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So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
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Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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