I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
