I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
