Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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