Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
