Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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