i'm signing you up for texting rehab
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
