it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
