Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
