My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
