I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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