I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
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One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
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Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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