im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
