i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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