I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
