Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Found the puke drawer
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
