And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
True college students do jello shots in the library
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
