So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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