if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
