I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
