my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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