she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
