i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
