We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
