Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
