I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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