I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
