About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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