I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I love having hate sex.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
