Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
