I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
