"it" just moved
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
