you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
