Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
