I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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