I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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