My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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