My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
