She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
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I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
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All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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