Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
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then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
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You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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