insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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