the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
