New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
