Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
