Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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