i was born a porn star she said
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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