I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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