do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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