Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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