You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
