How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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