Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she peed on how many people?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
