we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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